I had been looking forward to the day, and these last 10 or so days, for a long time. I wanted Firewatch to be everything I hoped it would be, and I believe it was, I wanted to take that game, share it with you all and grow my channel in the process. Giving it away was unplanned, but worked out well, and the farewell stream was a great goodbye to the game.
With that stream awaiting me at the end of my Monday night I did what I usually do and try to make sure I'm in a happy, energetic mood and ready to play and entertain at 7pm. THat usually involves music, a walk, and having had the sort of productive day that clears nagging thoughts and self doubt from your head. Its with that framing that I'll tell you two very different stories about interactions with two friends.
One of these stories is about a new friend, a friend have never met in person to shake hands with, but our friendship having formed online matters little to our interactions. My friend Chuck is a fellow streamer and youtuber, and 2016 has been particularly rough for he and his wife--I will spare details. Chuck has spent the better part of the year looking for work, and I have been there more times than I bother to count. I can relate, and I know the sort of words that motivated me when I was in his shoes...
So, with an interview upcoming for the guy I took a moment of my free time to write what can only be described as a pep talk. It was spur of the moment, but I wanted a good thing for a new friend and I thought I might be able to help. I don`t even remember what I wrote, or if it did in fact help, but Chuck got the job. That put a huge grin on my face as I hurriedly uploaded the announcement video for my Monday night live stream and rushed to go see another friend.
This other friend has been in my life a lot longer and there was even a time we called each other brothers. I guess I have to be more careful who I honour with that label, as I do not think of the guy as a brother... and having slapped that label on him takes away a bit of what me and my brother have--something unbreakable.
I guess I have already set up this story, so there is no point in saving the results of our get together for some conclusion. I did not go well, and I worry our friendship is not unbreakable. I still think of Bill as family--we may not be brothers but he is the cousin or uncle you love at their best and try not to hate at their worst moments.
The last time we spent significant time together I was a different guy. A guy who could let rude or inconsiderate behaviour from a friend breeze by me in preference of avoiding conflict... I guess I am not that guy anymore. It might be my baggage that led to the verbal clash, I thought lying in bed last night unable to sleep--maybe I have become a bitter jerk who can`t loosen up and have a good time... but trying my damnedest to get some sleep so I could wake up and write this, I analyzed the way I acted. I lost my cool, but for good reason. I shouldn`t have, but I was calling out what I thought at the time was wrong (and still do)... I refused to back down like I used to and things blew up.
I hate it, but I dont know what to do about it. What really kills me is that I know I`m in the right--I was angry and frustrated because I saw someone I love after years apart and they arent living up to their potential. Bill at his best is one of my favourite people on the planet, someone I love like family, but I don`t know how to be around him when he isn`t at his best.... it brings out the worst in me. Short tempered, frustrated, and emotional. (Some of that might have to do with the fact that I was swinging a golf club for the 2nd time in six years, but not in the sun and wind with some beautiful vista, but on a simulator smacking balls at canvas with the fairways of Pebble Beach projected onto it. I hated it.)
The problem for me is figuring out how to repair things... because I don`t want to back down. I apologized for losing my cool, paid our hefty tab, and asked the guy to get in the car with us, come home and try to sort shit out.... and he didn`t... wouldn`t. I made my gesture, and because I love the guy I`ll make one more, but I think I have to accept that a lot of this is beyond my control. I can grow and make myself a better person, but I cant help another person do the same.
...
I managed to get home and get myself back on emotional level well enough to perform and entertain viewers for over three hours on live stream, but I counldn`t help but be struck by the way I interacted with two friends. One I barely know and the other I rely on from time to time... and they had switched spots. I rely on Chuck, and this morning I feel like I dont know Bill anymore.
This is far and away to most raw, honest, personal thing I`ve written here. I find solace in the fact that only a few people will read it, but it still scares me.
-UTC
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